Give Me Bananas

Well who needs a shrink when you have a blog?? Thank you so much for your comments, you are definitely the wisest and most amazing people out there.

Oh and just for the record.. if anyone thought that I was fishing for compliments or wanted everyone to tell me that I’m beautiful (HA!) then you’re wrong

You know, even admitting that we have issues is a huge step. I remember that it hasn’t always been like that for me.
Let’s embrace our flaws together!

But let me quickly quote the über-wise Ildie who wrote a long comment even though she’s on vacation. Hello? Who writes such adorable comments when they are away and enjoy some well deserved rest? You’re insane Ildie, INSANE! Go back outside, leave your laptop behind and enjoy the sun! ♥

“Ahhh fat talk. We ALL do it and those of us who say we don’t are lying. We all HATE our thighs or small boobs or double chin or flappy arms or “back boobs” and jiggly asses. We all have something we wish we could change. On certain days some of our bits and pieces seem particularly worse in comparison to the others and we DISSECT our bodies bit by bit because of it. It’s silly!!! Will we ever be able to stop? To be realistic, HECK NO! We just have to move past it. A pushup bra and the perfect pair of jeans that suck in your gut and magically lift your ass help! The rest is up to you. HA!

In the end, it’s who we are that makes us unique and beautiful. It’s the things we do with our lives and the people that we surround ourselves with and whose lives we impact and change that everyone will remember. Not the dimples on my butt. I doubt anyone will remember that. HA! Well except for me but that’s okay.”

Fat talk was completely gone when I dug into my amazing quinoa porridge this morning. Ah.. what an fantastic way to start the day. If I had the time (or money) I’d visit you all and make you a batch of quinoa porridge.
However, people who don’t like it won’t be my friends anymore. (Thinking about it.. I believe that Silvio wasn’t a huge fan. HA! That means I have to break up with him. What a pity! — jk jk!! ).

I nibbled my little heart away during the day. Sesame crackers until I dropped. Gosh, they’re like crack (not that I know how crack’s like ). Why do I keep buying them??

Oh and there also was a rice cake sandwich with herbs & garlic pâté. This pâté is crazy good and the main ingredient is nutritional yeast!

I also had a normal lunch (a sandwich. snore..).

I had plans to go to the 8:15pm pilates class so I had a very light dinner and cooked 1/4 red lentils with 2 handfuls of spinach and added some teriyaki sauce at the end.

The race is on Saturday and so I’m keeping it light and easy this week. Lots of yoga, stretching, walking and lying on the sofa. You know, the usual.. minus the running. Oh how much I’m enjoying it!

Have a great day!!

Yesterday’s run was hard.
I stomped around like a little child and constantly told myself what a fat, slow cow that I was.
In the end I finished the 10 miles in 1:39 mainly because I walked most of the last 5 miles. Not because I was that exhausted but because I was pissed off.

Being the drama queen that I am, I marched right past my boyfriend and dad at the end of the course.

But what made me behave like this?

Well let’s back up a little..
It all started nice and easy. Dad, Silvio and I walked to the nearby forest (where a cool 11 miles loop is) to warm up a little and I was really excited about the run. I knew that it was going to be a training run and therefore harder than leisurely runs. However, for some reasons long runs really relax me. In general. Not so much yesterday.

The first 5 miles were hard but doable. I wasn’t that far behind the two tall (think: very long legs) guys and it didn’t feel like I was dying. However, the next 5 miles were really really hard. It was ok that the guys ran ahead but I assumed that we would run the entire course together or else I wouldn’t have started that fast. And even though I thought that they should run their own pace I felt completely left alone.
You know that I’m usually a really happy person but it scares me that it sometimes doesn’t take much to make me feel really bad about myself. Thinking back I can’t believe that I constantly thought (during the run) what a slow and fat pig I was.

Come on! Fat?? Seriously? It really freaks me out that I sometimes consider myself as fat but I honestly don’t know how to stop myself. I’ve changed a lot and really like myself now (which sounds silly.. though it’s the truth) but the “old self” sometimes creeps back and makes me feel like the worst person on earth.

When I’m at my lowest I think that I do not deserve happiness and that no one really likes me anyway. It’s got nothing to do with self-pity, however, I sometimes really loathe myself. And for no reason!!

I am really ashamed of this because 98% of the time I really am at peace with everything.

There has been lots of improvement though. After finishing yesterday’s run I continued to be frustrated (“and I am so fat and slow and I AM NOT GOING TO RUN THIS RACE!!!!”) and behaved like a child. My dad said something like “you know, only 5% of all people could run this distance. Just think of all the lazy teenagers with their baggy pants!” and so on and my frustration wore off after 5 minutes. I’m glad that I don’t spend days feeling absolutely miserable anymore. Yes, I have my bad moments but I get over them pretty quickly too.

Still.. there’s something underneath it all that makes me think that I’m fat or not worthy of love. And even though I know that I shouldn’t take it seriously, I have to get rid of these thoughts.

I want to stop thinking that I’m bad. Once and for all. The only problem is that I don’t know how I should do that.

Any tips?

I realize that most bloggers – myself included – write about stopping fat talk and loving your body but rarely ever admit that they do think of themselves as fat sometimes. Why should we ignore this “weakness”? Because we as bloggers should be an inspiration to other people? I think that we should just be honest and write about things that bother us, even if that means that we have to admit that we have weaknesses. We’re normal people after all and far from perfect.

Q: Do you struggle with fat talk? Do you sometimes struggle with something else and don’t feel like you can admit it?

This post has been pretty heavy in words (I think it makes up for the lack of words in my last posts ) but let’s move on to pictures!

My eats have been far from exciting but I had dinner with my sister at Kabuki (a Japanese restaurant) which was really nice. Afterwards we went and saw the new Robin Hood film which I really liked.

We haven’t seen each other that often for the past few days and really needed to catch up. It’s weird: When she was at home, I was away (and vice versa).

Breakfast was the reincarnation of the god of boredom.
1 kiwi, 1 apple, 2 buns with honey.
Excited already?

Lunch was a huge salad and a banana. The salad was nice (and the banana too, of course) but yet again not so exciting.

Remember when I said that I wasn’t a huge fan of fake meat? Well there’s one exception. Those “spacebars” aka, seitan sausages. They’re fantastic.

Dinner started with a lovely cup of green tea…

…followed by some miso soup.

For my main course I chose the takuan (pickled daikon) hoso maki and shared an avocado and tamago (egg) hosomaki with my sister.

We still had some time to kill so we went to a lovely nearby restaurant called Pangäa which was fab. I got the “Drinkable chocolate” with cinnamon/banana flavour. Erm… drinkable chocolate?

Well you actually put that piece of chocolate into your hot milk. I LOVED it! (I also loved the fact that the chocolate was fair trade and organic). I will go back and try all their flavours soon.

Sel and I also shared some popcorn at the cinema. We were both starving (I guess these 10 miles are catching up with me).

Ok I’m off to bed now. Thanks for reading dear people. Oh and also thanks for the comments on my last post. My toe is fine – just slightly swollen but walking doesn’t hurt so I think it isn’t injured.. thank god.

x K

When I was walking to yoga after work I was completely stressed out. All I wanted to do was to curl up in bed and hide from this world for a couple of weeks.

And then we did all sorts of poses that I absolutely hate and I was cursing up a storm on the inside but pushed through it.

And in shavasana I felt pure bliss.

Life is like yoga: there are a lot of things that get in your way that you don’t like but you just have to suck it up and go through it. And you know what? It’s not too bad.

As I was walking to the open air cinema site after yoga (yes! open air cinema in April!) to go and see “The Big Lebowski” with my friends I realized that I was the one who put unnecessary stress on myself.

First of all it was all for pleasure. It’s not like I had to study hard for an exam! I played squash with my friends, had great dinners, went to a runner’s event with my dad and so on.. it’s all things that I wanted to do!

So why the heck was I complaining? Well I guess I just often wish that I wouldn’t want to do so many things at once. And to be honest, I just wanted a night off for myself for some blogreading, hehe..
But again, I wanted to do these things or else I would have been a bit annoyed.

Sorry for the rant but maybe I’m not the only one who sometimes feels like that.

I set my alarm for 5am though it’s nearly 00:30am. Guess that sleeping in for an other hour is ok .

Tomorrow we’ll spend the day with Silvio’s family and I have no idea what we’ll do. Hiking was planned but it’s supposed to rain like crazy. So we’ll see.

Despite my whining there has been some amazing stuff going on. Like the chocolate banana cake that I made for my friend Simone on Wednesday (which was my secret mission – she sometimes reads the blog so I couldn’t write about it. )

Also.. I think I found the best sandwich ever. Tibits makes a great one with asparagus, sundried tomato paste, bear’s garlic pesto (with tofu), tomato and lettuce. (I had it before but fell in love again hehe)

To. Die. For.

Too bad that it’s only a spring-offer. Good that I ate the exact same sandwich today for lunch again.

It tastes especially well with a green juice and some magazine on the side..

For Simone’s birthday we went and had dinner at an Indian restaurant yesterday! We started with samosas and something else… Ha! I ordered it but forgot the name. Too bad..

I had a veggie curry with garlic naan which was heavenly.

My camera’s battery died right after taking this photo.

So you see, life isn’t all too bad. Though I must say that too much good stuff often sometimes put unnecessary stress on us too..

I guess it’s time for bed. Or better: my yantra mat!

I read so many good things about it and decided to order one. It arrived today and I can’t wait to try it and loosen up my neck and back muscles.

Whoooo party time!

Have a wonderful weekend! I just realized that it’s already May now. What the eff?? Where did the time go?

Sometimes life shakes you around with great force, pushes you off a cliff and makes you stand up again. Without going into details, this is exactly what happened this weekend. I felt broken and helpless but things turned around yesterday and life is good again.

Even though moments like these are really hard, they make us grow as persons. I am thankful for times like these because they make me appreciate even more how lucky I am.

Needless to say that there was no room for blogging, I hope you’ll forgive me.

On a much brighter note: I tried the whole “I feel bad so I’m allowed to eat ice cream” thing and even though I love ice cream it didn’t really feel that special. Or comforting. It was more like a "oh, that’s what other people do when they feel down”-moment. You know, carrots would have given me the same amount of satisfaction.

There was food though! No bad mood can kill my appetite. I’m primitive .

Sautéed veggies with 1 egg mixed in

Sweet potato with cinnamon

Bread with almond butter, banana slices and a tad bit of agave

Lärabar love

And then last night my boyfriend and I made some roasted veggies..

..and homemade whole wheat “Spätzli” with saffron cream sauce. I never make cream sauces though yesterday I felt like being a bit rebellious .

You know, I don’t really care if there was a bit too much ice cream and beer involved this weekend. Sure it wasn’t the healthiest food but I was ok with it. It has also taught me that, in every possible situation, I’d rather have some veggies than anything else.

Q: How do you handle depressing days? I always go from feeling that everything’s going to be fine to crying. But I generally think that it takes a lot to make me feel like there’s never going to be a light at the end of the tunnel. I will always know that things will get better someday (because they will!). However, a nice cry every once in a while doesn’t do any harm.

Ps. Did you watch the Oscars? Well I didn’t because they show them at an ungodly hour but I’m so happy that Christoph Waltz won the Best Supporting Actor award! I would have been super mad if he didn’t get it because his performance in “Inglourious Basterds” was fantastic. Extremely horrifying but fantastic.

Pps: My google reader is on 615. Guess who’s got some catching up to do?

On some days I have to work from 9am-9pm. Today is one of those days.

A few years ago I maybe would have felt annoyed or even angry about it but now I don’t give it much thought anymore.

I rarely talk about “my ED past” because this is no recovery-blog (I have been recovered for a long time now) and it doesn’t identify who I am (anymore). However, knowing of my struggles might help understand why I think that happiness is so important.
Thinking about how I felt about working so long reminded me of how far I’ve come (yes, I like analyzing my thoughts).
Feel free to read on but if you don’t care that’s ok too. You can skip the rant and go to the food pictures .

Nowadays I am (generally) a happy person only because I went through a time of self loathing. These times were awful and also affected my family (which made me feel even more miserable because I was the reason for their worry) but I got over it. Yes, I got over hating myself because it was pointless. It might sound a bit funny to you but it took me ages to get to that point. However, once I reached it, it felt like my life turned upside down. In a good way.
I’m a pretty rational and realistic person (deep down.. somewhere.. ) and knew that eventually there were only two ways for me:

- Accepting myself for who I am and start living my life the “real” way
- Continue to be miserable and be a burden to my family

Because and also with my family I managed to get out of this damn hole. Needless to say that they’re the most amazing people on earth to me (thanks kids! You’re awesome I could cry of joy were I not in an office right now ). My rational and realistic brain also told me that I’m a good person and deserved happiness. And even accepting that fact took such a long time! It all seems so simple to me now but it was such a fight to get there.

Long story short: You can choose to be happy and only you can bring real happiness to your life. No friends, family members, clothes, electronics or whatever can make you feel truly happy if you can’t stand yourself.

This is also why I started this blog: To (maybe) help other people who are struggling with positive thinking and also to send out good vibes to my dear readers out there (after all; reading uplifting things IS uplifting, isn’t it?)

Forgive my endless monologue but I’m currently on my dinner break and need some distraction from this:

You know, it’s relatively tasty and all but I’m not the biggest fan of microwaved frozen veggies. But they’re ok when you’re craving warm veggies and don’t have time to prepare some at home.  Well you’ve got to work with what you’ve got on hand..

Last night’s dinner was fantastic by the way. Definitely one of the best I’ve ever had. I need to go back there soon and bring my camera. You would all love it too I’m sure!

Breakfast was also stellar though (but much cheaper and made in my teeny tiny kitchen)

I love me some french toast! Why do some people not like this fabulous dish??

What made me super SUPER happy yesterday was that my ordered photo prints have arrived! I love making “real” albums of holidays (vacations) and little trips where I can add my own scribbles and “artwork”. I appreciate what modern technology brought/brings to us but I also like glossy photo paper and old school photo albums. Does anyone else feel the same?

By the way, it was so good to hear that I’m not the only one who likes celeb gossip. I love me some trashy magazines that claim every week that Brangelina have split.

Thanks for reading guys, it really means a lot to me.
Love yourself for who you are (because I think that you are pretty damn amazing).